Springtime in New Jersey
What the hell? I’m so over this…It started snowing in October and it hasn’t stopped. Where is the sun? If I don’t soak up some sunshine vitamin D soon I could get rickets or something.
I booked a flight to Florida for next week. Maybe I could get a doctor’s note or a prescription to cover my airfare…hmmm…
My toes need to feel warm sand…
Where's the beach?
Well, yesterday was the first of the month. You know what that means in my house? Somebody has decided to start their diet, AGAIN!
And when somebody starts a diet in my house, EVERYBODY has to be tormented.
I’m ususally getting yelled at for buying the wrong cereal, or the wrong milk, or the wrong cheese, or for forgetting the Half and Half, or for not cooking dinner.
Today I got yelled at for buying ANY cereal, milk, cheese or half and half , and for cooking at all!
Apparently, it’s my fault if people see food and eat it, or if I cook anything for anybody who is NOT on a diet, and it happens to smell good (ie: not like cardboard), or if the Wheat Thins are left on the counter.
I’m also supposed to know what diet people are “on”. Mikey want’s to eat “healthy”. Okay, does that mean low fat, low sugar, low carb, low-cal? Or does that mean organic, or no red meat…help me out here…throw me a bone (if that’s allowed on “the diet”!)
I didn’t grow up a hippie so I could always be following somebody’s rules. Cuz the thing about rules is, they’re always changing. Or there are different rules for different people, or sometimes the rules are followed during the week but not on weekends, birthdays or vacations. I can’t keep track.
So, here’s my rule: shut up and buy your own dang food, cook your own dang meals and leave my fat ass out of it! You’ve never heard the phrase “skinny and happy”, have you? Think about it.
I’m not addicted. I may be a little compulsive about Facebook. I get up in the morning, grab a cuppa, and go to the computer. I check my email and check my Facebook. Oh god, I even checked it during a meeting last night from my phone. Is that only a “little” compulsive? My sister calls it Facecrack.
Part of the reason it’s so appealing to me is, I find lots of stuff to write about because I just can’t figure out what the heck people are thinking. Don’t they know that it’s a world wide PUBLIC forum? That its on the internet for chrissakes? Why make youself look like an idiot?
How about these yuppie moms who have a cute picture of their kid as their profile picture? Okay…that’s lame. You can reproduce. Great. You have a cute kid. Great. I want to know what YOU look like! Who am I talking to?
And then some of them post updates like “I just woke up” or “I’m tired” or “I have to go to work now” or “The cleaning lady is late and the kids messed up the BMW”…what? That’s news? Who do you think gives a rat’s behind about that? Especially that last one. It just pisses me off.
When I was raising 4 kids I was always awake, tired, and going to work. I never had a cleaning lady or a BMW so SHUT UP! If we’d had Facebook then I wouldn’t have had an erg of strength left to punch a keyboard.
So how is it you have so much friggin time to be posting your boring crap on Facebook all day? “I woke up.” “I’m feeding the kids.” “I’m taking the girls to school.” “The cleaning lady is late, now I’ll have to load the dishwasher myself!” “I’m going to the salon.” “The kids are home. They’re SO cute.” “I’m tired…see you tomorrow.” Ugh!
Then there’s the add-ons. Does anybody know how to work that? I have 4 million requests for plants, kisses, drinks, Bon Jovi, gifts, quizzes, luck, karma and beer mail. If I delete them will I never have these things? I could do without the quizzes, but without Jon Bon Jovi, that would be rough!
Well, I’m so sorry. I know I bitched about people who send me random jokes AND I know I bitched about dogs and how people treat them like little people and stuff…which DOES truly gross me out…but this one had me laughing my butt off…Call me a hypocrite…
The following was found posted VERY low on a refrigerator door:
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about 
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don’t. (2) If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture; That’s why they call it ‘fur’-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don’t ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don’t hang out with drug-using people; (7) don’t smoke or drink, (8) don’t want to wear your clothes, (9) don’t have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don’t need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children .
My Grandmom lived to be 97 years old, NOT thanks to medical science. When she was middle-aged, she developed arrhythmia, which means that her heart used to race once in awhile if she drank too much espresso.
So they gave her medicine. The medicine gave her a headache. So they gave her medicine for that. That medicine kept her awake, so they gave her medicine for that. She was tired in the morning so they gave her some medicine for that. (The espresso would have done the job if they’d just left her alone!) That made her blood pressure a little high so they gave her medicine for that, too.
So when she was 90-something, she started needing some assistance to get around and she moved to a “nice” nursing home. That phrase is a total oxymoron.
My mom went in one day unexpected and found Grandmom slumped over, drooling in her wheelchair in a dirty diaper, drugged into semi-consciousness by the “caring” staff who didn’t really have time for actual PEOPLE! The crazy lady in the next bed was wearing Grandmom’s clothes and the staff was eating her favorite chocolates we had so thoughfully sent to her. This is true, true, true.
So, my mom, who after raising nine of us takes crap from no one AND can tell if you’re lying from miles away, asked them WTF and she got some lame lying response which sent her into action.
She spoke to the doctors who basically admitted that Grandmom didn’t need all the meds she was taking, and Mom took her off of ALL medications!
Guess what? Since she wasn’t getting espresso in that crap hole of a nursing home, the arrhythmia was gone. So she didn’t need that pill. Well…no more headaches from that so she didn’t need the next one. No side effect from the headache meds, so the whole house of cards came tumbling down. Guess what? Grandmom was FINE! She had no heart condition. She had no high blood pressure or headaches. She slept well, ate well and was LUCID!
The Nursing home HATED that because now she could tell if Crazy Lady was stealing her clothing or if the nursing staff was stealing her candy, or if she needed help getting to the bathroom and wouldn’t wear a diaper.
So, Grandmom lived to a ripe-old age without contuning to subsidize the drug industry, and the nursing home actually had to “nurse” her for the 12 grand a month she was paying them from her life-savings!
So I heard a TV commercial last night…” over 50% of people on depression medication still have symptoms of depression….ask your doctor of you should take Abilify along with your medication…side effects include nausea, vomiting, constipation, headache, dizziness, insomnia, restlessness and anxiety)…WAIT A MINUTE….I thought this was supposed to TREAT anxiety! ) Also suicidal thoughts. Lovely….
So you’re depressed and you are stupid enough to take a chemical they know nothing about…and it doesn’t work. Hmmm…how about DON”T TAKE IT!
But no, listen to the TV and the medical “profession” and take more crap which makes you want to kill yourself, gives you headaches, sleeplessness, constipation, and anxiety. So now maybe you’ll get more meds for your headaches, downers so you can sleep, stool softeners so you can poop, uppers so you can wake up, anti-anxiety meds so you can become a zombie…oh wait! That’s what you took in the first place!
Just check into a nursing home and they’ll take good care of you. You get your own wheelchair, tons of drugs, and you get a diaper change at least every 8 hours.
I didn’t sleep well last night. And I haven’t had any coffee yet (don’t worry… its brewing). So, I’m taking a real risk here attempting to communicate while only my “nasty” brain cells are firing.
So, I get up and check my email. There’s one among the Staples, Bed Bath and Beyond, Traveling Vineyard and DSW sale notices entitled “thought you would get a laugh out of this”. So I delete the sale e-flyers without looking at them (except for the Vineyard one because I may have need for that later) and open it ’cause I need a laugh.
I’m sorry to have to go off on this again so soon, but WHAT the hell are you thinking? I opened the email and it was a horrible joke about the Chippendales…30 years later. 
The first couple of photos were of these gorgeous, fit, handsome, shirtless hunks with washboard abs that send my sleep deprived mind to wanderin. (Sorry, but I felt compelled to use the actual photos I was sent…eye candy…yum!)
The next group of photos were of five morbidly obese, grosss, bald, hairy-shouldered fat men (including a dwarf looking down into the front of his pants in shock) wearing skimpy unitards. I almost lost my breakfast…well if I had eaten any).
It did NOT give me a laugh. It made me sick. I don’t think the horrification of things once beautiful is humorous. It’s SO wrong. Don’t send me this junk any more. Now I’m, in a real crappy mood. Where’s the f-ing coffee? I need something in my stomach before I yack.
So I was in Pennsylvania yesterday at the best Dollar Store ever! They had silk flowers for a dollar. They had 4 packs of toilet paper for a dollar. They had gift bags, Easter Baskets, Almay lipsticks, helium filled balloons for a DOLLAR! They had spices, umbrellas, candy, three-packs of socks, gloves, scarves, frozen dinners, wedding cake toppers, garden tools, plates, wine glasses, shampoos and reading glasses for a DOLLAR!
I was in heaven. So I bought toilet paper, lipstick, black pepper, (so far so good..but it gets out of control from here), St. Patrick’s day necklaces, fake flowers, a flower pot, 2 horse statues, kid’s socks, wee-wee pads (I don’t have a puppy), 5 packs of seeds and 5 bunches of rubber grapes! What a bargain!
I was in Florida a couple of weeks ago and ran down to the Dollar Store there. It was called “Dollar General”. Now when you see a name like that, you assume all the crap is gonna be….uh….a dollar, right? NO! Nothing in that cheap store was a dollar. The same reading glasses were $5. Umbrellas were $7. Pepper was $2.49….what the heck? And the quality was worse than at the REAL Dollar store!
Reminds me of that Saturday Night Live skit…in the dollar store…
Customer: How much is this?
Clerk: A dollar.
Customer…oh, and how much is THIS?
Clerk: Uh…a dollar.
Customer: Oh, how much are these glasses?
Clerk: A DOLLAR!!! THIS IS A DOLLAR STORE! EVERYTHING IS A DOLLAR! THE NAME OF THE STORE IS “EVERYTHING IS A DOLLAR”!
Apparently not in Florida, though.
Remember when you were a little kid and your fat aunt insisted on squeezing you and planting a wet kiss on your cheek? And how your mom got all embarrassed when you wiped it off and made a face?
Well, I still get kinda skeeved when someone I hardly know kisses me on one or both cheeks in greeting. I have an Adrian Monk-like compulsion to wipe it off with the back of my hand, pull out my trave-sized Purel, and go for broke.
I married a Greek guy, so greetings in his house are always a double-cheek kiss…not an air kiss…a real kiss. Now this is for first time meetings for distant relatives I’d never even met (nor cared to). So wow…double Purel alert. These are Greeks. God knows where they’ve been!
So, now regular people have started this kissing thing…some do singles. Some insist on being what they think is Cosmopolitan (I guess) and go for the two cheek thing. Some are air-kissers. Some hug, some “man hug” (you know the funny hand shake and shoulder bump…no kiss included.) Some smile and say “hey”. Some wave and say “Sorry, I have a cold sore” (good one!)
So, here are my questions (and dilemmas):
If one person is air-kissing and the other plants a contact kiss, is it a faux pas? If you kiss one person and shake hands with another, will one person get insulted? Which one? If someone is coming in for a kiss and you go to the one side and he/she goes to the other, who should re-adjust? Or what if you’re going in for a handshake and the other is coming in for an air kiss? What if you kiss someone and leave a lipstick mark? Do you wipe it off? Do you leave it and not tell him? What if you kiss someone and somebody else has left “her” mark on him…ew…germs. What a mess! I can’t take the indecision!
I already have enough to be stressed about! Hey..I love ya but you’re not getting a kiss. I have a cold sore!
Sorry I haven’t posted in a couple of days. I’ve been very busy. Very, very busy.
Well actually, the truth of the matter is that…well…you see…the sun came out.
When you live in the frozen northeast, this is a momentous occasion and cause for celebration. It actually went up to 55 today! All other plans went right out the window.
I had so much to do. I had to find the window screens and open the windows. I had to uncover the barbeque grill and turn the gas. I had to put the top down on the car. I had to find a “light” jacket and then I had to dig in my closet under the boots and pocketbooks for my black beaded flip-flops.
Don’t be silly! It IS still winter, for gods sake…so, of course, the BLACK flip-flops are the only fashion correct choice. I don’t think you can wear white flip-flops unless it hits 65…
I feel I make allowances for my friends…but they act like they don’t know me! Guys, have I EVER answered one of those lame chain letters? Have I EVER forwarded the dumb puppy photos, or the stupid saggy boob old lady pictures, or the angels, or the “girlfriends are…”, or the Dali Lama’s thing, or the “send this to 15 people and something really cool happens…”, or “if you don’t send this in 5 minutes you will have bad luck…” or that other lame crap you send me?
Have I replied to the latest internet annoyance…the 25 random things? NO! I politely declined. I asked to be omitted. I begged. I finally threatened. It STILL didn’t stop! Now I’m gonna make good on my threat. I’m going to list 25 random things about every one of you who tagged me in that stupid Facebook thing. I warned you guys:
1. David wears army boots…in the shower. 2. Rosensweet says I cook better than his mom. 3. Andy shaves his head in a girlie salon. 4. Cheryl is having an Academy Awards Party…OPEN HOUSE!!!!!!! 5. Abi looked at the wall…a lot! 6. Matthew E lives in Florida. Has NO tan…strange… 7. Nicole is too nice to say something snotty about her. 8. Eva dated my son. 9. Caroline dated my other son. 10. Josie married a kid who lived in my basement. 11. Brianna didn’t invite me to the wedding so I assume I can’t go to the reunion. 12. Gavin has way too much time on his hands. 13. Jay tried to fool around with my son’s girlfriend in Ft. Lauderdale! 14. Amy P. went to school with Tommy and I babysat her brother. 15. Donna lived in a tent with all 4 kids. 16. Alexandra doesn’t share seafood. 17. Elsa sells moonshine. 18. Katie P. drinks moonshine. 19. Russ P. will give you a peek for a quarter. 20. Kim J. doesn’t get much sleep. 21. Cindy F’s daughter dated my other son! 22. Tony F. used to wear Mary Jane’s…now he’s a tat-man! 23. Molly B. is one of the only 2 normal people on tour. 24. Karen S has a great voice and is in a band called the Eaglettes. 25. Rene K doesn’t eat wheat, gluten, meat, fish, sugar, dairy…I’m sending her an air-heart for Valentine’s Day.
